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BREAKING NEWS
  • The White House is giving away their chairs, as long as you’re willing to give away your chairs to them, so it’s really more of a trade
  • Amazon doesn’t allow their employees to use the restroom, because they keep stealing the Amazon Basics Toilet Tissue
  • The strongest ant in the world was just seen rolling a hush puppy up a tree to its lazy family
  • King Charles III now identifies as Queen Charles the First
  • A guy in Iowa thought some dried cum on his hand was eczema, then went to a doctor, the doctor agreed, and he’s now suing for the misdiagnosis
  • That spider you tried to kill has been laying eggs in your tea kettle FOR WEEKS
  • The oldest photo with 3 people wearing hats has been donated to every museum but gets rejected every time
  • Home Depot is recalling a few million plants after finding Dippin’ Dots in the soil
  • Typo by Clarance Thomas makes abortion mandatory
  • Several schools in Eastern Iowa are forcing their students to wear a bracelet if they’re Pagan
  • One person’s Palo Santo is another person’s oak dipped in perfume and then placed in a bag that says Authentic Palo Santo and then sold to the first person mentioned
  • Flamingo leg bone marrow contains more protein than roughly 2 cows
  • Foamy carwashes may look cute but they’re turning penises softer and not a single scientist even wants to hypothesize why this is happening
  • Sir Ringo and Sir Paul were seen buying a bunch of fertilizer, so they were put on the terrorism watchlist just in case
  • California’s Police Academy is running out of instructors due to persuasive students
  • If you think gas prices are high, wait til you see how much a gallon of giraffe pee costs
  • Lysol recalls 650,800 bottles of shower cleaner that make your shower dirtier
  • One man in China has a secret he’ll only tell you if you bring him candies from a far away land
  • The first documented “uh oh that wasn’t just gas” sold for way too much money yesterday
  • Big Bird interrupted a peaceful Westboro Baptist Church protest by stealing the second letter ‘H’ in “ALL WHORES GO TO HELL” from a CHILD
  • Kosovo’s top turmeric wholesaler has started to sell it as brown sugar to people who tragically lost their sense of taste while battling COVID-19
  • Senate to vote on a law that would make an 8+ layered lasagna a misdemeanor to make and a felony to consume
  • Humans are forgetting how to blow their noses and one scientist from Bolivia thinks she may know why

The earliest known photographic evidence showing a white guy thinking of the n-word sells for a whopping $58294929047

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Need to make your PowerPoint presentation longer? Think about adding a line graph

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12 year old expelled for animal cruelty after drawing a llama without hooves

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Barron Trump’s first lemonade stand wasn’t a lemonade stand. It was a shampoo for white guys stand

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A new type of sloth has been discovered hanging on a sewage pipe

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Amy Coney Barrett’s only tattoo is a Jello mold with whipped cream on top

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The boots George W. Bush wore to bed after 9/11 are MISSING

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Spanx launches a new line for pet birds

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Melania uses a Marine Chronometer to estimate when Donald will need another slice of cheese

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Having to poo and not being able to move is the most common excuse for loitering

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The human body is filled with tasty little morsels if you’re really hungry

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Ben Carson’s mansion has a pyramid filled with grain on rooftop

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Italy’s finest Gondola oar craftsman is a climate change denier

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The legitimacy of a certificate of authenticity is greatly reduced if the frame is too cute

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The hotter the person, the more likely they brush their teeth clockwise

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A new study may shine some light on why racist ladies love shawls so much

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If someone says they don’t believe in aliens, you can be pretty certain they enjoy eating octopus

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Lubricant saturated polyester condoms may be the only way to help the STD crisis plaguing senior citizens

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Sustainable cork can be made by compressing old cardboard, but stinks every time you poke a new hole

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A popular toothpaste tablet manufacturer recalls a batch after powered sugar was used instead of sodium bicarbonate

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