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BREAKING NEWS
  • The White House is giving away their chairs, as long as you’re willing to give away your chairs to them, so it’s really more of a trade
  • Amazon doesn’t allow their employees to use the restroom, because they keep stealing the Amazon Basics Toilet Tissue
  • The strongest ant in the world was just seen rolling a hush puppy up a tree to its lazy family
  • King Charles III now identifies as Queen Charles the First
  • A guy in Iowa thought some dried cum on his hand was eczema, then went to a doctor, the doctor agreed, and he’s now suing for the misdiagnosis
  • That spider you tried to kill has been laying eggs in your tea kettle FOR WEEKS
  • The oldest photo with 3 people wearing hats has been donated to every museum but gets rejected every time
  • Home Depot is recalling a few million plants after finding Dippin’ Dots in the soil
  • Typo by Clarance Thomas makes abortion mandatory
  • Several schools in Eastern Iowa are forcing their students to wear a bracelet if they’re Pagan
  • One person’s Palo Santo is another person’s oak dipped in perfume and then placed in a bag that says Authentic Palo Santo and then sold to the first person mentioned
  • Flamingo leg bone marrow contains more protein than roughly 2 cows
  • Foamy carwashes may look cute but they’re turning penises softer and not a single scientist even wants to hypothesize why this is happening
  • Sir Ringo and Sir Paul were seen buying a bunch of fertilizer, so they were put on the terrorism watchlist just in case
  • California’s Police Academy is running out of instructors due to persuasive students
  • If you think gas prices are high, wait til you see how much a gallon of giraffe pee costs
  • Lysol recalls 650,800 bottles of shower cleaner that make your shower dirtier
  • One man in China has a secret he’ll only tell you if you bring him candies from a far away land
  • The first documented “uh oh that wasn’t just gas” sold for way too much money yesterday
  • Big Bird interrupted a peaceful Westboro Baptist Church protest by stealing the second letter ‘H’ in “ALL WHORES GO TO HELL” from a CHILD
  • Kosovo’s top turmeric wholesaler has started to sell it as brown sugar to people who tragically lost their sense of taste while battling COVID-19
  • Senate to vote on a law that would make an 8+ layered lasagna a misdemeanor to make and a felony to consume
  • Humans are forgetting how to blow their noses and one scientist from Bolivia thinks she may know why

Even zebras know that butts are hot

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FDA found testosterone enhancer “Green Goo” contains you know what

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A new flower was just discovered and will be named after the next notable homosexual gentleman who passes away

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Simplify your life by washing all of your stinky clothes together. Nothing bad will happen. We were all lied to

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Adults who share lollipops in public are being touted as experimental ASMR pioneers on Pinterest

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Study finds people who wake up in the middle of the night are usually just being bitten by an ant

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Trump is having second thoughts after letting Biden wear his tie

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Water contained inside of thermos for over a decade is finally back in the water cycle

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A colonic followed by a fecal transplant is the new dinner and a movie

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New earbud only works when your mouth is closed

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Klondike is officially the slowest melting frozen treat

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If your ex is ignoring you, consider planting and naming a succulent after them

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Dozens boycott the Aquarium of the Pacific for showcasing world’s first fish abortion

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Breaking news if you thought racial discrimination was only in humans

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Mountain goat sued by Prince’s estate for vaguely sounding like the opening note of Purple Rain

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A fly from Gary, Indiana swears he was on the wall the last time Joe hit Michael

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The phone Robert Kardashian used to tell OJ Simpson he believes him is expected to sell for at least $57288 very soon

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It is now illegal to have a TV poor people can afford inside of a luxury suite

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The air trapped inside of saltine crackers is toxic and must be crumbled then placed in hot liquid or you might CHOKE

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Puddle of Mudd becomes the first band in history to release autobiographical concept album movie on laserdisc

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