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BREAKING NEWS
  • The White House is giving away their chairs, as long as you’re willing to give away your chairs to them, so it’s really more of a trade
  • Amazon doesn’t allow their employees to use the restroom, because they keep stealing the Amazon Basics Toilet Tissue
  • The strongest ant in the world was just seen rolling a hush puppy up a tree to its lazy family
  • King Charles III now identifies as Queen Charles the First
  • A guy in Iowa thought some dried cum on his hand was eczema, then went to a doctor, the doctor agreed, and he’s now suing for the misdiagnosis
  • That spider you tried to kill has been laying eggs in your tea kettle FOR WEEKS
  • The oldest photo with 3 people wearing hats has been donated to every museum but gets rejected every time
  • Home Depot is recalling a few million plants after finding Dippin’ Dots in the soil
  • Typo by Clarance Thomas makes abortion mandatory
  • Several schools in Eastern Iowa are forcing their students to wear a bracelet if they’re Pagan
  • One person’s Palo Santo is another person’s oak dipped in perfume and then placed in a bag that says Authentic Palo Santo and then sold to the first person mentioned
  • Flamingo leg bone marrow contains more protein than roughly 2 cows
  • Foamy carwashes may look cute but they’re turning penises softer and not a single scientist even wants to hypothesize why this is happening
  • Sir Ringo and Sir Paul were seen buying a bunch of fertilizer, so they were put on the terrorism watchlist just in case
  • California’s Police Academy is running out of instructors due to persuasive students
  • If you think gas prices are high, wait til you see how much a gallon of giraffe pee costs
  • Lysol recalls 650,800 bottles of shower cleaner that make your shower dirtier
  • One man in China has a secret he’ll only tell you if you bring him candies from a far away land
  • The first documented “uh oh that wasn’t just gas” sold for way too much money yesterday
  • Big Bird interrupted a peaceful Westboro Baptist Church protest by stealing the second letter ‘H’ in “ALL WHORES GO TO HELL” from a CHILD
  • Kosovo’s top turmeric wholesaler has started to sell it as brown sugar to people who tragically lost their sense of taste while battling COVID-19
  • Senate to vote on a law that would make an 8+ layered lasagna a misdemeanor to make and a felony to consume
  • Humans are forgetting how to blow their noses and one scientist from Bolivia thinks she may know why

LADWP uses extra fluoride to offset high arsenic levels

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Salt is just really old sugar

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Pope says no longer sin to eat aborted fetus

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Nestlé to start filtering urine to keep aquifer for top one percent

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Deepest underwater location not bottom of Mariana Trench, but under Lake Erie

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Saltwater taffy has more radiation in 3 pieces than in 14 pounds of sea salt

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Surname has ties to slavery if you do not like black licorice

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Octopus language heard by orca told to human through sign language for first time

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Food that expires on your birthday tastes better and you must buy it right now

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Vegan cheese, containing nothing but plant based ingredients, wins award

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Hairy fingers are funnier, rat study hypothesizes

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Mayonnaise is a nightmare for super-tasters

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Fake eyelashes may cause blindness if shoved in pupil

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Pokemon Yellow Easter egg cures cancer in mice

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Betsy DeVos invents new way to square a circle

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Every small dog would vote for Trump if given the chance

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New police sunglasses detect cannabis smoke in vehicles

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Airplane mode activates microphone and transmits audio to FBI

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Snails who grow up in big cities can no longer stick to metal, baffling 97% of biologists

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