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BREAKING NEWS
  • The White House is giving away their chairs, as long as you’re willing to give away your chairs to them, so it’s really more of a trade
  • Amazon doesn’t allow their employees to use the restroom, because they keep stealing the Amazon Basics Toilet Tissue
  • The strongest ant in the world was just seen rolling a hush puppy up a tree to its lazy family
  • King Charles III now identifies as Queen Charles the First
  • A guy in Iowa thought some dried cum on his hand was eczema, then went to a doctor, the doctor agreed, and he’s now suing for the misdiagnosis
  • That spider you tried to kill has been laying eggs in your tea kettle FOR WEEKS
  • The oldest photo with 3 people wearing hats has been donated to every museum but gets rejected every time
  • Home Depot is recalling a few million plants after finding Dippin’ Dots in the soil
  • Typo by Clarance Thomas makes abortion mandatory
  • Several schools in Eastern Iowa are forcing their students to wear a bracelet if they’re Pagan
  • One person’s Palo Santo is another person’s oak dipped in perfume and then placed in a bag that says Authentic Palo Santo and then sold to the first person mentioned
  • Flamingo leg bone marrow contains more protein than roughly 2 cows
  • Foamy carwashes may look cute but they’re turning penises softer and not a single scientist even wants to hypothesize why this is happening
  • Sir Ringo and Sir Paul were seen buying a bunch of fertilizer, so they were put on the terrorism watchlist just in case
  • California’s Police Academy is running out of instructors due to persuasive students
  • If you think gas prices are high, wait til you see how much a gallon of giraffe pee costs
  • Lysol recalls 650,800 bottles of shower cleaner that make your shower dirtier
  • One man in China has a secret he’ll only tell you if you bring him candies from a far away land
  • The first documented “uh oh that wasn’t just gas” sold for way too much money yesterday
  • Big Bird interrupted a peaceful Westboro Baptist Church protest by stealing the second letter ‘H’ in “ALL WHORES GO TO HELL” from a CHILD
  • Kosovo’s top turmeric wholesaler has started to sell it as brown sugar to people who tragically lost their sense of taste while battling COVID-19
  • Senate to vote on a law that would make an 8+ layered lasagna a misdemeanor to make and a felony to consume
  • Humans are forgetting how to blow their noses and one scientist from Bolivia thinks she may know why

Domesticated sloth thrown in zoo after eating dozens of cucumbers from neighbor’s backyard

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Skin cells found to be tribalistic

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Hofstra University’s Robotics Team invented a material to mimic the feel of human lips using frozen snails and ChapStick

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Man stuck in unfinished bunker able to start live stream of dehydration by using a USB outlet to charge his Sony Xperia

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Jackson, Mississippi to become first city to give Reggie Jackson a week of mayoral duties for untitled HBO docu-series

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PETA under fire for “accidentally” financing beastiality orgy

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Florida man charged with animal cruelty when textured ceiling found to be millions of ants trying to breathe

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Toy guns in Idaho can no longer include triggers and barrels

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Only one person is telling the truth about their mom making the best mac and cheese and it is probably not you

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Jar of 7 goldfish at Whole Foods received no backlash until one customer noticed recipe on bottom

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New study shows driving with hands at 7 and 4 optimal for sending occasional text

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Bushel of lettuce with note ‘THESE ARE FOR THE ZEBRA’ donated to San Diego Zoo just days before World Hippo Day

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Shaggy, friend of Scooby Doo, is born gay in new series

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State birds want open borders

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San Diego Zoo no longer allows zoo-goers to say “I wish I had a tongue like that”

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Polar bear dreams are climate change nightmares

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Koh Andaug becomes top exporter of recycled straws after hurricane gives tiny island free plastic

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Creator of the 13 gallon trash bag had no idea triskaidekaphobia was a thing

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If you are not double rinsing your laundry, fecal particulates are on EVERYTHING

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Q-Tip packaging states “Do not insert swab into ear canal” but if you play audio version backwards it says otherwise

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