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BREAKING NEWS
  • The White House is giving away their chairs, as long as you’re willing to give away your chairs to them, so it’s really more of a trade
  • Amazon doesn’t allow their employees to use the restroom, because they keep stealing the Amazon Basics Toilet Tissue
  • The strongest ant in the world was just seen rolling a hush puppy up a tree to its lazy family
  • King Charles III now identifies as Queen Charles the First
  • A guy in Iowa thought some dried cum on his hand was eczema, then went to a doctor, the doctor agreed, and he’s now suing for the misdiagnosis
  • That spider you tried to kill has been laying eggs in your tea kettle FOR WEEKS
  • The oldest photo with 3 people wearing hats has been donated to every museum but gets rejected every time
  • Home Depot is recalling a few million plants after finding Dippin’ Dots in the soil
  • Typo by Clarance Thomas makes abortion mandatory
  • Several schools in Eastern Iowa are forcing their students to wear a bracelet if they’re Pagan
  • One person’s Palo Santo is another person’s oak dipped in perfume and then placed in a bag that says Authentic Palo Santo and then sold to the first person mentioned
  • Flamingo leg bone marrow contains more protein than roughly 2 cows
  • Foamy carwashes may look cute but they’re turning penises softer and not a single scientist even wants to hypothesize why this is happening
  • Sir Ringo and Sir Paul were seen buying a bunch of fertilizer, so they were put on the terrorism watchlist just in case
  • California’s Police Academy is running out of instructors due to persuasive students
  • If you think gas prices are high, wait til you see how much a gallon of giraffe pee costs
  • Lysol recalls 650,800 bottles of shower cleaner that make your shower dirtier
  • One man in China has a secret he’ll only tell you if you bring him candies from a far away land
  • The first documented “uh oh that wasn’t just gas” sold for way too much money yesterday
  • Big Bird interrupted a peaceful Westboro Baptist Church protest by stealing the second letter ‘H’ in “ALL WHORES GO TO HELL” from a CHILD
  • Kosovo’s top turmeric wholesaler has started to sell it as brown sugar to people who tragically lost their sense of taste while battling COVID-19
  • Senate to vote on a law that would make an 8+ layered lasagna a misdemeanor to make and a felony to consume
  • Humans are forgetting how to blow their noses and one scientist from Bolivia thinks she may know why

Painted Giraffe Tower Wall Décor recalled for incorrect number of hooves

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Earliest Jesus Fish was used to stab Jesus’ fish

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It turns out MAGA was only about wicker furniture

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Man with Peyronie’s tried to measure length with pocket knife, but accidentally cut off mom’s head in a terribly tragic tale of someone lying about something

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A majority of knots are just glued on (try pulling on the knot part)

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“Feminine Hygiene Products should have been free since day 1, but didn’t exist until day 5734573895739573958, and will not be free until day 94328409284082774982749287447, which is a very upsetting number to see.” – Bernie Sanders

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How many kale chips does it take to satisfy craving full bag of Funyuns?

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Biden plans to fill potholes with slime on third day in office

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Tracking devices added to mail-in ballots to catch sabotagers

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Nancy Pelosi blamed her restless arm for punching Mike Pence’s neck

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Post-pandemic lotions will be less moisturizing due to ethyl alcohol

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Paraphernalia ranked dumbest word in latest Frank Luntz poll

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Nobody knows why, but concrete starts to cry after 90ish years

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Gigantic moths take over local Hobby Lobby’s fabric department

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The smartest turtles do not eat plastic, leading scientists to hypothesize they are evolving into super geniuses

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Trump unable to play Janie’s Got a Gun at rally, Mike Pence chose Jeanie with the Light Brown Hair in last minute super smart move, his wife claims

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Head mayo mixer creates THE MAYO DIET

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Congresswoman overwhelms autistic man

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Alex Jones to executive produce first cartoon FROGS

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Over half of all club sandwiches are just two normal sandwiches stacked together

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