Mike Pence has been using a big tub of petroleum jelly as a makeshift Fleshlight to avoid ridicule
BREAKING NEWS
- The White House is giving away their chairs, as long as you’re willing to give away your chairs to them, so it’s really more of a trade
- Amazon doesn’t allow their employees to use the restroom, because they keep stealing the Amazon Basics Toilet Tissue
- The strongest ant in the world was just seen rolling a hush puppy up a tree to its lazy family
- King Charles III now identifies as Queen Charles the First
- A guy in Iowa thought some dried cum on his hand was eczema, then went to a doctor, the doctor agreed, and he’s now suing for the misdiagnosis
- That spider you tried to kill has been laying eggs in your tea kettle FOR WEEKS
- The oldest photo with 3 people wearing hats has been donated to every museum but gets rejected every time
- Home Depot is recalling a few million plants after finding Dippin’ Dots in the soil
- Typo by Clarance Thomas makes abortion mandatory
- Several schools in Eastern Iowa are forcing their students to wear a bracelet if they’re Pagan
- One person’s Palo Santo is another person’s oak dipped in perfume and then placed in a bag that says Authentic Palo Santo and then sold to the first person mentioned
- Flamingo leg bone marrow contains more protein than roughly 2 cows
- Foamy carwashes may look cute but they’re turning penises softer and not a single scientist even wants to hypothesize why this is happening
- Sir Ringo and Sir Paul were seen buying a bunch of fertilizer, so they were put on the terrorism watchlist just in case
- California’s Police Academy is running out of instructors due to persuasive students
- If you think gas prices are high, wait til you see how much a gallon of giraffe pee costs
- Lysol recalls 650,800 bottles of shower cleaner that make your shower dirtier
- One man in China has a secret he’ll only tell you if you bring him candies from a far away land
- The first documented “uh oh that wasn’t just gas” sold for way too much money yesterday
- Big Bird interrupted a peaceful Westboro Baptist Church protest by stealing the second letter ‘H’ in “ALL WHORES GO TO HELL” from a CHILD
- Kosovo’s top turmeric wholesaler has started to sell it as brown sugar to people who tragically lost their sense of taste while battling COVID-19
- Senate to vote on a law that would make an 8+ layered lasagna a misdemeanor to make and a felony to consume
- Humans are forgetting how to blow their noses and one scientist from Bolivia thinks she may know why
